Is there a clean version of "no sh*t, Sherlock"?

I think the clean version would be:

No kidding!

or possibly

No, duh!

If you added ", Sherlock" to either of these, you would cause listeners who know the sweary version to think of it and laugh, without either saying the word or introducing it to listeners who didn't know it.

• "Figure that one out all by yourself?"
• "Thank you, Captain Obvious."
• "And in other news, XXX has discovered water is wet!"

I could probably list a lot more. Anything you can say that either points out the obviousness of the statement or sarcastically expresses appreciation for the speaker's "insight" would work.

Another phrase made popular by internet memes, that is quite regularly used in the context you mention is "you don't say!".

UrbanDictionary defines it as :

just another way of saying a very commonly and aptly used phrase "NO SHIT". It is when stating the blatant obvious and saying it as if it was just thought of on the spot. It is used to show distaste in a rather sarcastic and underhanded way and if said properly can be funny to no ends.

Wikitionary mentions it to be synonymous to "really, no kidding!".

Attaching a pic (as it is considered to say a thousand words).

Ya think?

I can smell the brain cells burning from here.

No... really??

I NEVER would have imagined that.

You get paid for figuring that out?

Didn't have to expend a lot of brainpower on THAT one, did you?

Thank God you told me!

And here I thought we would NEVER figure that out.

What was your first clue?